Ever Forward, Never Backward

Nike+: 7.18 @ 1:00:54 (8:28/mile)
Weather: about 40 degrees and felt like 30 (very rainy and windy earlier in the day)
Gear: Black tights, black long-sleeve shirt, neon hat, gloves, headlamp
Dark Horse and I met up at Posscoon's house after work. We wasn't there immediately, so we chilled with Tana and stretched out a little bit.
This run included several hills. I was most worried about Chapel Hill (going up to Fairview), but as Dark Horse noted, it was really the other side of Chapel Hill (going back east) that kicked our asses. It was cool to see my buds going down Chapel Hill when I was going up - we cheered for each other and slapped hands. But they're still bastards.
I felt like I took a step forward, so to speak, on this run. Despite the tightness in my thighs, the cramps in my stomach and the other treble frequencies running through my mental membrane, I felt real good on this run. It was like my legs were on auto-pilot. Going down Stadium (east), I hit a groove. Sure, I had a cramp somewhere in my upper torso, but it didn't really phase me. This is when running reminds me of life. It's just a matter of time before things get better - I don't even have to try real hard to make it so. No need to struggle, resist or fight. Just keep going. Uncomfortable runs will no doubt follow, but that's what makes this shit worth doing.
Sometimes when I'm running, my mind reminds me of past failures. It's like a part of me is saying, "You're not good enough to do this. Don't ever forget that deep down you're really a quitter, a cheater, a failure." To be honest, these are difficult thoughts to shake. Why do I concentrate on my weaknesses? I try to remember the deer. Ever forward, never backward.
On this topic, a wise friend of mine recently wrote:
"Running became a respite for me. A retreat from the world of my everydays. 8-5 I was a zombie, but at 5 I became a runner; zipping past others on the trail and it felt good. It was my own special place where I could let my brain wander and think about all the things that nagged at me. Where I found my chi. My zen. My home. Out there on the trail.
I've never looked back. I run better now than I ever did in high school. Mostly because I have self-confidence. I know I'm not the best runner, but I run as hard as I can anyway. I have goals that I might never attain, but I might someday. That's not why I run though.
When I go out running I get to fight that internal battle that most people give up on themselves every day; the battle between my ears. I see so many people quit on themselves because of this reason or because of that reason. It's easier that way. But last Saturday is the only evidence you'll ever need that quitting is easy and easy is worthless. Fighting is hard and it's the hard things in life that make life worth living. It's such a damn cliche but it's a reason it's repeated to the point of exhaustion. It's because it's fucking true.
I run because it's one of the few things in my life I have control over. I get to decide when I stop. I get to decide whether I stop at the top of that hill or after mile 6, 7, 8, 12. I decide how hard I push myself. No one else.
And of course, running is the ultimate metaphor for life's journey. In the past few years, through running, I have overcome many of my internal barriers. I haven't beaten them all down but I've started. I've found that the biggest battle you'll ever fight is just getting to the starting line. Just beginning is the hard part, because once I've started, how could I ever give up on myself?
So my running mirrors my life. I struggle up hills and I glide down them. I pass by things like the river of time. When we ran past the Burr Oak all I could think about was how timeless it was and how transient it makes us all seem. We're all just passing through this world, experiencing everything as we move by. The moment we start looking backwards or trying to freeze a moment we stop living. To live is to move. To keep moving. So I run, to keep moving, to keep living.
All the battles, all the triumphs, the lost time, the regrets, the goals, the sweat, the tears, the adrenaline. Every time I lace them up. I run to live."
I got to see Pookie Face when I was going south on Forum today. She was driving home (north) and honked. She said later that she liked my new neon hat. Pookie Face will always inspire the best I have to offer. She's the best thing in my life.