Running Deer and Headlights

Nike+: 4.57 miles @ 38:07 (8:19/mile)
I started this run about 6:50 p.m. after finishing up with some stuff at the office. The temperature was approximately 20 degrees. I wore black tights, a black wife-beater, my black/red top, my black hat, my black gloves, my headlamp and my blinking wristband.
To be honest, I was not in the mood to run or do much of anything tonight. But that's where commitment enters the picture I guess - doing something even when I don't want to do it. I can't say this is a particularly strong trait of mine, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other.
Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day and today Barack Obama took the presidential oath of office. Even though I voted for Obama, I didn't think he'd win. I simply didn't believe that Americans would elect a black man to the presidency of the United States at this point in history. It's a good thing I was wrong. I'm not sure how much Obama's tenure will effect me, but I have to hope that his administration will positively benefit many of those who Bush failed to serve. Can't say I care too much about politics, but I'm not apathetic either. I had the opportunity to photograph the 44th president and stand right in front of him w/o any other photographers in the room. Before doing so, I felt quite privileged. Afterward, I felt miserable. Yes, Obama looked directly into my camera, but there was no real interaction. The event was staged. Perhaps I'm just ungrateful. I really do wish I could feel better about myself, and the world, in these types of situations. What's the ideal situation for me to photograph? I really don't know. I used to think that being a photographer would be the best thing in the world for me - the realization of a dream. But, I'm really no different than when I came to MU to study. I do a real good job of second-guessing myself and wishing that I could do better. I'm not sure what my problem is, but it's always been there - a thorn in my side. At 36 years of age, I feel about as comfortable in my skin as I did at the age of 18. Have I made the most of the opportunities to come my way? In a word, no. I am a wonderer. An unfocused soul. A man on the run.
When I walked out of my office tonight, the air was cold and the sky was dark, but I knew I'd warm up. Is this a metaphor for life? Will I make it through the cold? To the top of the next hill? Or will those oncoming headlights get the best of me? There's a thin, invisible line between them and me. But if I keep my head up and my feet moving, I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. I can't control those around me.
I watched Slumdog Millionaire yesterday at the Ragtag Theatre. It's a great film about a have-not in India making it onto Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and winning the jackpot. Each question and answer solicites a flashback from the protagonist's life of child abuse, poverty and destitution. I posted a note on Facebook about the fact that I had seen it and within a day, a couple of people responded with criticism about the movie. I didn't ask for their opinions but they nonetheless offered them. I wonder where this negatively originates? Are people projecting their own failures? Am I not allowed to enjoy something w/o some shithead offering his/her 2 cent, half-ass observation? This is a learning lesson for me.
The more I write tonight, the more frustration I feel. Perhaps this is a good place to end.